C.I.A. Headquarters Langley, Virginia
Ozzy, come on in.
Palmer, what's up?
Uh, you know Peck, and Olson.
Peck, yes, hiya. Olson, by reputation.
- I'm Osbourne Cox. - Yeah, hiyah.
- Are you with... his... - Yeah, that's right.
Uh, have a seat.
Look, Oz, look. There's no easy way to say this.
We're taking you off the Balkans desk.
What?
Why?
In fact we're moving you out of Sigint entirely.
Just? No discussion, just-you're out?
Well, we're having the discussion now.
Look, Oz, this doesn't have to be unpleasant.
Palmer, with all due respect... what the fuck are you talking about?
And why is Olson here?
- Uh, Ozzie, look... - What the fuck is this?!
- I know it's not my work. - Ozzie...
- I'm a great fucking analyst! - Okay, Ozzie.
- Is it... - Oz, things have not been going well. As you know.
You have a drinking problem.
- I have a drinking problem. - This doesn't have to be unpleasant.
We found something for you in State. It's a, uh...
...Well, it is a lower clearance level. Yes. But it's not...
We're not terminating you.
This is an assault.
I have a drinking problem? Fuck you, Peck, you're a Mormon!
Ozzie...
Next to you we all have a drinking problem! What the fuck is this?
Whose ass didn't I kiss?
Let's be honest!
Let us be fucking honest...
This is a crucifixion! This is political!
And don't tell me it's not!
...I have a drinking problem!
Are you home?
Honey, hang on to your hat. I've got some news.
- Did you pick up the cheeses? - Huh?
- The cheeses. Were they ready? - The cheeses.
I didn't realize you could be home so early.
I left a message for you to stop by Arno's.
The Magruders and the Pfarrers are coming this evening.
The Pfarrers? Ugh. What did Kathleen say?
What?
- When you left the message? - That she would give you. The message.
Well, I don't know, I guess we had bigger news today.
My day didn't revolve arou...
Did you mean you didn't pick up the cheeses.
Well, if I didn't get the message, than, I didn't pick up the cheeses.
Oh for fuck's sake, Ozzie, you wanna... I have to go and pick them up?
Stay here, and get dressed.
Honey, we have to talk.
Not now. They're gonna be here in less than an hour.
- Is that goat cheese? - Chevre, yes, that is a goat cheese.
Because I have a lactose reflux. And I can't...
- You're lactose intolerant? - Yeah, but I can...
Or you have acid reflux? They're different things.
- I know what they are. - So you misspoke.
Thank you for correcting me.
You should try the chevre, Harry. It's very good.
Yeah. I can eat goat cheese.
I was just telling your husband, that I have a condition...
...where I go into anafylactic shock, when I...
Harry works in the Marshall Service staff.
Oh, I'm on the Legislative side, I work with senator Hobby.
I was with Treasury, dealing with the homeland security.
I'm with the marshalls now.
If you want he'll show you his great big gun.
Very funny. Gun is no big deal.
Twenty years in the marshall's service and I've never discharged my weapon.
That sounds like something you should be telling your psychiatrist.
I don't have a psychiatrist.
Boy, I guess my job is pretty undramatic.
I'm on the legislative side.
Mrs. Pfarrer, What do you do? Do you also carry a big gun?
- No, no, I write... - She writes children's books.
Oliver The Cat Who Lives In The Rotunda.
Those are wonderful!
My nieces and nephews just love them.
Yeah, it's a beloved series.
You should see the fan mail she gets.
You're sure this is goat cheese?
Why don't you let your wife tell them about her own books, Harry?
You come with me. You come in the kitchen, help me with the crudités.
Goddamnit. He knows, doesn't he.
- These are nice floors. - Knows what?
About us, he knows about us. Little prick.
Don't be such an ass, he doesn't know a thing.
What is that, forbo?
- What a horse's ass. - I don't know why we see them.
- Well, she's all right. - She is a cold, stuck-up bitch..
- You guit?! - Uh-huh.
- Well-thank you for telling me! - I tried to tell you this afternoon.
Tried? You tried? And then... what, aphasia kicked in?
- No then our guests came. And then... - Why?! For fuck's sake, Ozzie!
I don't know. I just got so tired.
- You're tired. - Yes, of swimming against the current.
Independent thought is not valued there...
...they resist it, they fight it, the bureaucracy is...
So they gave you a pension, or severance or something, or...
I didn't retire, I quit. I don't want their benefits.
But my benefits they will do you, right? They'll see you through. Is that the idea?
It's not like that's the only way to make money.
Yes? Yes? Well what're you gonna do?
I'll do some consulting.
Consulting.
Yes, to help out while I-I've always wanted to write.
Write. Write what.
I've been thinking about writing a... a book.
Or a, you know, a sort of memoir.
You okay there, Dad?
Dad, I left my job at the Agency...
I'm sorry. Dad.
Government service is not...
...the same as when you were in State.
Things are different now.
I don't know, maybe it's... it's... the Cold War ending.
Now it seems like it's all bureaucracy and no mission...
I'm writing a memoir.
I think it can be pretty explosive.
But I don't think you would disapprove. I don't think you would disapprove.
Katie has had trouble accepting it. But... sometimes there's a higher patriotism, Dad.
I know this kind of man. We've seen this.
Mrs. Cox, you can not let this man take advantage of you.
And he will.
- He will. - Yes. This is my fear.
Though he's trying... Well he says... He's trying to pull himself together, but...
Yeah, look, sure, I'm obliged to...
...tell you to try to salvage things.
And you should.
It's not unheard-of that people turn themselves around.
But. You-you haven't broached the possibility of divorce yet?
- No. - Well that's good.
Because first you should get his financials.
Before he's forwarned.
Because here's a man, here's a man, practiced in deceit...
...this is almost, you could say it's his job...
...and there is no reason, it's not improper...
...there is no reason you shouldn't get a picture of the household finances.
Paper files, computer files, whatever... That's your prerogative.
You can be a spy too, madam.
Do this before he's put on alert.
Before the turtle can draw in his head and his, uh...
- Feet. - Feet.
And hopefully everything will work out. He will reform.
But! If not: forwarned is forearmed.
We were young and committed and there was nothing we could not do.
We thought of the Agency less...
The principles of George Kennan...
...a personal hero of mine....
Like the fabled "Murrow's Boys," at a time...
of...
You've reached The Cox Group. We can't answer your call right...
Hello.
Uh, no, uh she-she isn't. Hers is the 5719 number.
This is the Cox Group, but you can reach her on her portable or at her office.
She's married.
Number four.
Has boyfriend.
And number six.
She's pregnant.
I should try to get a run in.
Ozzie!
Ozze!
Honey. At Princeton Reunion Dinner. See you later.
Library Closed for Private Party
We take all the chicken fat off your buttocks, here...
And the upper arms.
- And a little off your tummy... - Yeah, great.
Now we do breast augmentation with a tiny incision here.
- That marker tickles! - And here.
And what about the upper leg? The higher inside thigh area??
Well we can do liposuction there as well, but that area will respond to excercise.
The buttocks and upper arms begin to store more fat once you get up around forty...
...the body just tells it to go there...
...but the thighs will respond to toning exercises.
Yeah, I can work out on my arms til the cows come home, but...
Uh-huh. Well also there are of course genetic factors.
The Litzkes have always been big.
Well everyone's got a...
My mother had an ass that could pull a bus.
- Wow. Well that's a predispo... - Father's side too...
Although Dad tended to carry his weight out in front more.
- In the gut area. Deriere, not so much. - Okay.
And what about the face, you know, the window to the soul.
Uh-huh! Uh-huh! Very well put.
Well your eyes are one of your best features.
But we can do something about the incipient crow's feet.
Baby crow's feet. Little chickling's feet. I mean chicks. Chickie chickie chickie.
Ha-ha, yes, again, well put. You have a way with words.
We make a small incision...
And then pull the skin tightly, stretching the skin over a drum.
Not too tight, though. We don't want that "worked-on" look.
You need sufficient slack for the face to remain expressive.
Yeah, I don't wanna look like Boris Karloff.
- Heh-heh, so you don't want a sex change! - Oh no, I'm all woman!
So Linda, what we're talking about here is four different procedures.
The liposuction... The rhinoplasty...
The facial tuck, which I would strongly recommend over the chemical peel...
Yeah, I don't wanna burn anything off.
And why should you. With that lovely skin.
And lastly, the breast augmentation.
Now we can also do something about the vaccine scar...
I don't know if you wear sleeveless dresses much...
Not with these ham hocks!
Yes, well once they're nice and svelte, post-op...
...you may change your mind about that.
I wanna talk about this vaccine thing...
Can you counsel me on this?
I mean, is it really that unsightly? I see, I know a bunch of people have them.
Absolutely! Some women don't mind it!
It's personal taste!
Chad!
Exhale. Big breath. Exhale.
Hold it! Hold it and release.
And release. Too much?
I felt a straining... a tightness in the front of my ass...
Well you are pretty tight down there. You have to...
Something snapped in my ass!
Chad Feldheimer. To the office, please.
I'm gonna check with my office. I'll be right back.
We're gonna work on opening those hips.
I just got a batch from BeWithMeDC dot com.
- Oh no. Anything good? - I don't know, I'm just looking...
- How do I open this? - Click on there, yeah...
Oh my god! Okay.
Loser.
Loser!
- They should call this Mr. Loser dot com. - Did you have send in a picture?
No, only the guys do.
I had to fill out a verbal profile, what turns me on, what turns me off...
I'm really looking for a guy with a sense of humor.
That guy... wait... that guy wasn't bad.
- Him? - No, before.
- Him? - Yeah. He uh, he might not be a loser.
- How can you tell? - That's a Brioni suit.
- Oh yeah? - Shit yeah.
Does he look like he would have a sense of humor?
Looks like his optometrist has a sense of humor.
What does he do?
Uh, State Department.
Oh, that's cool.
His hair is... what is that?
Plugs.
This is our cardio area.
And we have a lot of machines so, believe me, there's never a wait.
What you see now, is like our busiest time in there...
...it's like a lot of machines open.
- Hey, Chad! - Hey, Linda!
- Did you call that guy? - No, not yet!
Chad Feldheimer, he's one of our trainers.
I've been doing this internet dating thing, and I...
- What service? - BeWithMeDC dot com.
- Nice. - Have you used them?
No... two friends did though and they both got hooked up.
With really special guys.
That's fantastic.
If you are an english speaker...
- ...please say "yes" or "english". - Yes.
I'm sorry. I didn't understand what you said.
- If you are an english speaker... - English.
Would you like to speak to the billing department or to an agent?
- Agent. - I'm sorry. I didn't understand what you said.
Agent! Agent!
Hello, can I help you?
Yeah, hi, this is Linda Litzke, should I give you my account number?
- You keyed it in. - You have it up? Okay. - I have it here.
I was told that I needed pre-approval for these surgeries...
Yes I (?) that this procedure was not approved
Yes, it was denied.
This operation is an elective procedure, it's not covered by...
No, these are four different operations...
It's very complicated, I'm reinventing myself...
...this whole new look was just not one thing...
But they are all approved by my doctor...
Your doctor's approval is not the issue, ma'am...
This is not...
Madam! My job involves public interface! This is not...
Oh I understand. Put your supervisor on, please?
Hold the line.
Alan?
- Linda? - Yeah.
We've been over and over and over this, first you say you can't commit...
...and then... Would you come down from there!
Please pick up: Plunge Honey Nut Cheerios.
We were married when I was, what, in my mid-twenties.
A kid. We were kids. Twenties.
You think it's forever. Get older...
...you start to feel your mortality, you say, there's...
...no more time for dishonesty. For subterfuge.
I say I'm not that person. The choices you made...
I'm thinking of divorcing Ozzie.
I frankly, I'm thinking, Whoa.
I guess that's what I should be thinking too.
With Sandy.
- Well that's what you were just saying. - Absolutely! Yes!
And you're right, you should dump that bozo.
No question about it. I agree.
- So if I were divorced... - Yes, I should settle things.
With Sandy. Because of you and me.
It's hard to inflict that kind of pain, you know.
Well, of course, that would be easier for you.
Why's that? I don't see that.
Well, because he's such a dope. And Sandy, she's... a good lady.
- A very special lady. - She's a cold, stuck-up bitch.
Well that's... a little...
You and I should get things sorted.
I've always told you it's more than just frivolity.
That's right. That's understood. You've been very straight.
I thought I was loud and clear.
Absolutely.
Much as fun and games.
Absolutely.
Agent!
I'm sorry, I didn't understand what you said.
Agent!
Your call is important to us.
Please stay on the line for the next available agent.
Ted, can I talk to you about our Mickey Mouse HMO?
- Uh-huh... Hang on... - This is some heavy shit.
- Is that my date list? - No... fuck...
You know, I'm trying to reinvent myself...
...and these procedures, which are so incredibly not cheap,
What is that?
I can't believe this... This is like... intelligence shit.
- I'm not comfortable with this. - This is like... - What is it?
This is, like, I can't believe this shit I'm seeing.
- Manolo found it. - On the floor there.
Manolo found like this, CD just lying in a locker.
- Locker floor. Ladies' locker. - Jus lie-een there.
And I'm like, someone's music or what...
...and I come in here and it's these files, man.
I'm not comfortable with this.
I'm talking about SigInt, and signals and shit.
- And, signals means code, you know. - It was jus lie-een there.
Talking here about department heads, and their names and shit.
And then these other files are just, like, numbers. Arrayed.
Numbers and dates and numbers and numbers and dates and numbers.
I think that's the shit, man.
The raw intelligence.
I am not touching this. I want this out of here.
- Just... Throw it out? - No, you can't do that!
You should put up a note in the ladies' locker room.
Put a note up? Highly classified shit found...
Signals intelligence shit, CIA shit? Hello!
Did anybody lose their secret CIA shit?
- I don't think so. - I don't know, you figure it out.
But I'm not comfortable with this. I want this out of Hardbodies...
We're running a gym here! God.
Manolo, you didn't find this.
- I found it on the floor there. - Yeah, I know, but...
Right there on the floor there. Jus lie-een there.
- Harry? - Yeah it's me.
- Absolut Saketini, please? - Just a Tab.
But if I could get an advance on my salary I could at least get the surgery ball rolling.
Whoa! There's a payroll company, you know.
They don't just advance people money. They just don't do that.
I mean, sure, I could say, yes, I'll authorize it, but that's not going to mean anything to them.
Then why do they have us on this cockamamie health plan?
I need these surgeries, Ted!
You're a beautiful woman! You don't need...
Ted, I have gone just about as far as I can go with this body!
I think it's a beautiful... It's not a phoney-baloney Hollywood body...
That's right, Ted, I would be laughed out of Hollywood.
I have very limited breasts, a gi-normous ass...
...and I have this gut that swings back and forth in front a me like a shopping cart with a bent wheel...
Well, you know, there's a lot of guys who'd like you just the way you are.
Yeah... losers!
- I don't know. Am I a loser? - Ted...
I wasn't always a manager at Hardbodies. Lemme tell you...
Let me show you something.
Is that you?!
Fourteen years, a Greek Orthodox priest. Congregation in Chevy Chase.
That's a good job! What happened?
It's a long story.
Anyway, in many ways I'm a lot happier now.
My point is... my point is... it's a journey.
That's my point! I don't want to stay where I am!
I want to find someone to share my journey!
Well, you know, sometimes, if you don't look in your own back yard...
I know! That's why I've started this internet dating!
Uh-huh, but what I'm saying is, maybe you don't have to...
Look Ted, I know you can't authorize an advance on my salary...
...but you could put in a request, can't you?
It's not going to do any good, Linda.
Ted, have you ever heard of the power of positive thinking?
Harry?
It's Monica.
Well hello.
Maybe I can get a run in.
- Hello? - Oh my God!
Oh my God!
Oh my God.
- Oh my God. - Do you know what time it is?
Uh-huh. So, like, I couldn't call you on your totally unsecure phone...
- ...but I know who the guy is. - The guy?
The guy, the secret guy.
- So is he high up? - I don't know if he's high. Probably.
I mean, I got his name, not his rank.
So what's his name?
- Osbourne Cox. - Never heard of him.
Oh, like you're so plugged in to the intelligence community.
I'm just saying, it's a label...
Well I think like the quality of the intelligence dictates how high up he is.
Not what we know.
Do you have any water? I gotta hydrate.
- I got tapwater. - Are you kidding??
- How did you know who he is? - Sources.
- What do you mean sources? - Do you have like Gatorade?
Anything besides, like, Maryland swamp water?
- Do you know how far this is from my place? - How do you know his name?
I got this geek friend, Eddie Gallegos. He does computer stuff...
...hooks up people's computers and programs their VCRs'n shit.
...so he examines the files and pulls off the digital watermark...
...which tells you what computer was created on.
- Fucking child's play for Eddie. - Uh-huh.
And... I got his number. I got his number.
- Omygod! - That was a bit more difficult.
- Shall we give him a tinkle? - Omygod, why?
Because he's gonna wanna know that his shit is secure.
He's gonna be relieved.
He might even be so relieved that he gives us a reward.
- I would be very fucking surprised if he did not. - Oh, wow.
Very surprised. Like the, you know, Good Samaritan tax.
Which is not even a tax, really, since it's voluntary.
Hello?
Osbourne? Osbourne Cox?
Yes... uh... Who is this?
This... uh.. is this Osbourne Cox?
Who's this? What time is it? Who are you?
I'm a Good Samaritan.
I'm sorry I'm calling at such an hour, but I thought you might be worried.
Worried?
About the security. Of your shit.
What on earth are you talking about?
- Who am I speaking to? - Uh... I...
Your files... the documents.
I know these documents are sensitive.
But I am perfectly willing to give back to you your sensitive shit.
You know, at a time of your choosing.
What documents are you talking about?
Osbourne Cox?
Yes! Yes! This is...!
Hello! It's Osbourne Cox! Who the fuck are you!
What documents are you talking about?
Okay...
"The bureau chief in Belgrade we all called Slovak the Butcher.
He had very little report with his staff, and his despatches..."
Ra-por, very little rapport with his staff, fucking moron!
How did you get this? Who the fuck are you?
Don't blow a gasket, Osbourne.
- It's not important where... - You're in way over your fucking head!
I don't know who the fuck are you? You have no idea what you're doing!
Oh! Why so uptight, Osbourne Cox?
I'm just a Good Samaritan, a traveler on the road...
Tell him we gonna give back we just thought that he would like to maybe know.
- Linda, I'll do it! - And tell him about that Good Samaritan tax...
- Who is that? - Ozzie, what is going on.
Tell him he's inconveniencing us.
Hello! Who the fuck is this?
You know, this is a major inconvenience for us...
...and we just thought, a reward...
So it's money! So it's money! You want money.
- Okay, okay... - Yeah, why not. - Listen to me...
Am I out of line here?
Listen to me, you two clowns listen to me very very carefully.
You have no idea what you're doing.
- And I warn you most emphatically... - You warn us?
You warn us? You warn us? Let me tell you something Mr. Intelligence.
- We warn you! - Listen!
We will call you back with our demands!
Hello?
- Chad! Don't play his game! - Let me explain how this...
Sorry.
- Geeze. - The nerve of that guy!
I am very fucking surprised he did not give us that reward.
What on earth is going on?
Some clown or two clowns have gotten hold of my memoirs...
Your what?
- Stolen or... - Your what?
My memoirs, the book that I'm writing.
Why in God's name would anyone think that's worth anything.
Doesn't sound like he's gonna play ball.
Oh, he'll play ball! We just have to show him who's boss.
Well, that's... he sounds very senior.
I think this is some senior guy who screwed the pooch, big-time.
Yeah, that's why we got him, you know...
...we've caught him with his thing caught in a big fat wringer.
- Yuh. - And us in the driver's seat. - Yuh-huh.
This is our opportunity, you don't get many of these.
You slip on the ice outside, you know, a fancy restaurant.
Or something like this happens.
- Right. - And right now this has happened.
Yup. It sure has.
This could put a big dent in my surgeries.
Big time.
Honey. Honey!
- Huh? - My car is here, I'm off. Mystery man.
- What is that thing? - Quiet. Top secret. Baby.
How many cities?
Seattle, San Francisco, Los Angeles, Chicago.
Why do they always send you to Seattle. Not a big market.
I don't know, lots of independent bookstores.
Rains all the time, what else are people gonna do.
- I can think of a couple of things. - You can think of one thing.
Where did they put you?
It better be the Peninsula. The money I make for them.
- Are you gonna be okay? - I'll be sad. But I'll be okay.
- Not too sad. - Just the right amount.
I'm crazy about you, baby.
Hey!
Tony Bennett, Toni Morrison, Zoe Caldwell. It was marvelous.
First time I've ever attended the Kennedy Honors.
Jane Alexander is a client. Old friend of Zoe's.
Anyway...
- Connie! - Yes, sir.
Would you bring in your copy of the Cox financials?
Tony saying: "The best is yet to come".
Tony Bennett.
I thought I had it here on a disk... I don't know where the disk is.
I'm sorry, I'll have to run another off my hard drive.
All right, okay.
So. We've drawn up the papers and we are prepared to execute service on Osbourne...
...if you so elect, Mrs. Cox.
But since we are at the point of no return...
...I always urge my clients at this juncture to...
...give it one more day of reflection.
Harry?
It's Linda.
Well... hello.
Yeah, I did the whole bodyguard thing for years.
My guy was in State, the Secretary as a matter of fact, so I did a lot of travelling.
"Ironside has left the building." We called him Iron Ass.
Not to his face, of course. Not to his ass, either!
Ah, he's okay. Personal Protection is a young man's game.
These are really good. You wanna try one?
- Does it have shell food in it? - Shell food?
I got a sensitivity...
I go in to anafylactic shock my (?) swells up.
Ah what the hell. Live dangerously.
- Can't always wear a condom, right? - That's right! Not always!
My job now is mostly administrative...
...not too much PP. Personal Protection.
- I do still carry the gun. - Omygod!
No big deal.
Never discharged it, in twenty years of service.
Security blanket now. I don't really think about it... of course...
...you're not supposed to think about it...
...in a situation where your man is threatened...
...the training kicks in. Muscle memory.
Just like that. It's reflexes. Those are outrageous.
- Wanna swap? - No way!
- Let me touch! - Go away!
Sake?
...but there was just a hell of a lot of political infighting, and petty, petty, shit...
...and then basically the old man stepped on Geiberger's throat. This is nice...
- Wide-plank pine? - Yeah, I guess so.
Listen, Linda, full disclosure here...
Yes, I'm not wearing a wedding ring but I am married.
I took the ring off, by eighteen months ago when we agreed to separate.
Agreed to disagree. It's about...
...the only thing we ever agreed on.
Thanks for telling me, Harry. I really appreciate it.
You know, full transparency, is my ammo...
- That's not gonna go off, is it? - Well let's go in the other room and find out!
That's great. That's exciting.
He's very very communicative. Very accessible. He has a sense of humor.
And he agrees one hundred percent about my surgeries.
He agrees my ass could be smaller.
I mean, not in a mean way, he comes from a place of humor.
That's good, but... uh... Linda, what do you really know about this guy?
- I told you, he's in the Treasury Department. - But... uh... no, I mean...
But he could be one of these guys, who cruises the internet...
Yeah, so am I!
What's wrong with this?
No, you can not wear that! You have to wear a suit.
You mean... go home and change?
Yeah!
I was gonna ride my bike.
- Osbourne Cox? - And you, I take it, are "Mr. Black"?
Yes I am.
You have the money?
The fifty-thousand dollars.
That's what was agreed upon, Osbourne Cox.
All right. Let me explain something to you, "Mr. Black".
You know who I am; I know who you are.
Perhaps. But appearances can be...deceptive.
Yeah. What you're engaged in is blackmail...
...that is a felony. That's for starters.
Appearances can be... deceptive.
I am a mere Good Samaritan, who...
Secondly, the unauthorized dissemination of classified material is a federal crime.
If you ever carried out your proposed threat...
...you would experience such a shitstorm of consequences, my friend...
...that your empty little head would be spinning faster...
...than the wheels of your Schwinn bicycle back there.
You think that's a Schwinn?
Now give me the fucking floppy or the CD or whatever the fuck it is...
As soon as you give us the money, dickwad!
- You fuck! - Give it to me, fuck!
- You fucker! - I know who you are, fucker!
You're the fucker!
- Where's the money? - He hit me!
Where's the money?!
- He didn't give it to me... - Oh, for... Get in the car!
What're you doing?
Shit!
Fucking!
Fuck! Fucking lunatics!
- Fucking... you fucking morons! - Shit!
That'll give him something to think about.
- Yeah! - I knew this would happen.
Wait! We gotta go back! My bike!
- It's on to plan B. - It's just a Kryptonite lock...
...you can open those fuckers with a Bic pen!
Some people!
- What is this? - Russian Embassy.
I told Mr. Krapotkin I might be stopping by.
Is there a men's room?
Madam, you are mistaken.
I am assistant cultural attaché.
The organs of state security are not allowed to function within the borders of your country.
- Organs? - Yes.
But if I had, oh, say, secrets of a highly...
...secrets that might interest the organs of the...
Yes?
That's just a taste.
May I ask the source of this material?
- No you may not. - It's very high up.
- Chad! - I'm just saying he's high up!
- PC or Mac? - PC.
- Could you wait please? - I do have a date.
Hey!
- The fish. Has bitten. - Huh? Oh, yeah. He seems cool.
Chad.
Could you accompany me please?
- There is more material? - There's a lot more.
But we want to be paid first.
- You're not ideological. - I don't think so.
Look, I have a date. So...
Date.
A line to check in, towels piling up.
- I'm sorry, Ted. - And Manolo running around like crazy...
What happened to your nose?
This is not acceptable at Hardbodies.
- You two know better than that. - Yes we do, Ted. I'm really sorry.
- This is no way. - It was unavoidable, Ted.
- It won't happen again. - But you won't tell me what's going on.
No, we can't.
I know this is really terrible, Ted, but I have... I have to go.
I have a date.
You're changing, Linda.
It's very sad.
...which to my mind is all the more reason to lower the boom on Ozzie.
- Mm. - Is that it? "Mm"?
Wondering if it's the right time.
Of course it's the right time. Why wouldn't it be the right time.
- Does this threaten you? - No, you and me we're rock solid. It's just...
I think that's why we can afford to be big.
We can think about Ozzie, whether we give him a chance...
...to get himself together a little bit before you hammer the hell out of him...
- Is that how you see me, "hammering" him? - Of course not...
- That was your word. - Yeah...
- I don't "hammer". - No, of course not. Listen.
I'm no friend of the guy. You know that.
I think he's an arrogant little geek.
You know, we have all the time in the world, and he just lost his job...
He didn't lose it, he quit.
Yeah. Most of the people in this town who "quit" were fired.
I feel sorry for him.
I think it'll be a lot easier to deal with if he doesn't feel cornered.
Maybe.
Just as long as we're talking about Ozzie here and not you.
Of course we're talking about Ozzie.
I do whatever you want, baby. I adore you.
Get the check.
Yep. Yes?
Is there blood in his stool? Later, I'm running home.
I love you, baby.
Ozzie!
Goddamnit, Ozzie, what have you done to the car?!
All right. All right.
- Omygod. I'm s... Am I really late? - No, no.
Doesn't start for five minutes.
- You haven't seen this, have you? - This one, no. No, I have not.
- I hear it's terrific. - Great!
We've been over and over and over this...
...first you say you can't commit... and then...
Would you come down from there!
Pardon our dust, the ex is in the process of moving out.
I told her to expedite things, but...
- You know you try to act like an adult. - Well, it's never easy.
You wanna come downstairs? Do you like surprises?
Well, I'm always open to new experiences...
I gotta tell ya... I saw an ad for this in a gentleman's magazine...
Twelve hundred bucks. Twelve hundred bucks.
I'm looking at this thing, and I think, Jesus, you gotta be kidding me...
I'm a hobbyist...
...this thing is basically nothing but speed-rail...
...I think if I go down a Home Depot and...
...whip this up myself for, a hundred bucks...
What is it?
What is it.
You sit down there, make yourself comfortable...
...put your feet in the stirrups, and...
Omygod!
- That's fantastic! - It's somethin', isn't it?
Hundred bucks all in not counting my labor.
- And the cost of the dildo. Those things aren't cheap. - Uh-uh.
But I lack the, I'm not set up to mold hard rubber.
- The Russians? - Uh-huh.
- Russian Embassy, yeah. - Are you sure?
Hey, the guy was not hard to follow. As you know.
Why the FUCK would they go to the Russians?!
Why the FUCK.
- I'm sorry. Thank you, Hal. - Hey. No problemo.
Look, Ozzie, I hate to be the paranoid old spook, but...
... those two guys seem very interested in you.
You haven't gone poofy on me, have ya Oz?
Can I help you?
I'm sorry about we're staring, but your face looks familiar.
- Princeton? '73? - Yeah.
- I can't remember your name. - Osbourne Cox.
I thought so. Served and witnessed.
You have a real nice evening.
Ouch.
What the fuck?
Fuck!
What the fuck?
Fuck! Fucking!
Why did you tell him we could get more stuff?
Well maybe we can.
That's all Manolo found! That was everything!
What're we, gonna tell Manolo to scoop some more secret spy shit off the locker floor!
- Hey! - What.
I don't like the snideness! Nor the negativity!
- I'm sorry. - I'm just trying to work this thing!
If I'm going to reinvent myself I need these surgeries.
And these surgeries cost money! This is not just fun and games!
- Yuh-huh. I'm sorry. - So let's figure this thing out! Okay?
Chad, your Berry Blast is ready.
- We know who he is. - Right: Osbourne Cox.
- So we can find out where he lives, right? - Um. I guess.
You should change. Into a suit.
- Why? - So you don't stand out in his neighborhood.
- There are certain elemental things, Chad. - His neighborhood? - Yes!
We should take out the labels on the laundry marks.
- Laundry marks? - Deniability.
- What's the odometer say? - Five.
About five or approximately five? I mean...
For fuck's sake, Harry, it's five miles.
- Five point two. - Okay... I gotta do at least five.
- Five and a deuce is okay. - I'm amazed you have the energy.
You kiddin'... pull around the corner we'll do it in the back!
- You're so coarse. - No, back of the car. Not the rear-entry situation...
For fuck... I'm late!
So close... So close and yet so far...
Made myself a name. Funny, I seem to find...
...that, no matter how the years unwind...
Hello?
Omygod.
What the fuck?
What the fuck? Nothing...
Oh my fuck.
I killed a fucking spook.
What the fuck are you doing here, you fucker. You...
Olson. What's up.
Palmer. What's up.
Not quite certain, sir, but it's... messy.
Kolyma-2 tells us that they have computer files from...
...an ex-analyst of mine, Osbourne Cox.
- Kolyma-2? - Our man in the Russian Embassy.
- They were brought in to them by a woman... - The Russians?
Yeah. It was brought in by a woman named Linda Lietzke...
...an associate of a guy named Harry Pfarrer.
Picture's in the file. With Pfarrer's.
- The Russians? - Yeah.
Who's Pfarrer?
Treasury guy who has been, um, screwing Mrs. Cox.
That must be how they got the files. Or...
...maybe Ozzie knows about them, they all seem to be sleeping with each other.
- All right. Spare me. - Yes sir. But this...
...Treasury guy...
...it's become... complicated. He just shot somebody in Ozzie's house.
- Shot... your analyst? - No, Ozzie wasn't there.
Our man surveying hears a gunshot...
...sees the guy wrestle something into his car...
...follows him... he dumps a body in the Chesapeake Bay.
- Well... what'd he do that for? - Don't know sir.
- For Christ sake. Did anyone fish the body out? - Mm-hm.
- Russian? American? - Don't know. Scrubbed of ID.
- And this... Linda...? - Linda Litzke.
- She's Treasury? - No.
We're... fuzzy on her.
So... we don't really know what anyone is after.
Not really, sir.
- And this analyst, ex-analyst, uh... - Cox.
- Yeah. What's his clearance level. - Three.
Okay, no biggie...
...just for now just keep an eye on everyone, see what they do.
Yes, sir, and we'll interface...
...with the FBI on this, uh, dead body?
No! No. God, no. We don't want those idiots bumbling around in this.
Burn the body. Get rid of it. And... uh...
...keep an eye on everyone, see what they do.
Report back to me, when... uh...
I dunno... one that makes sense.
Yo! And tap... Hop, hop...
And tap... Hop, hop... And tap...
I'm bigger... I'm better... I'm bigger...
than ever... I'm bigger... I'm back...
I'm better... I'm back...
than ever... I'm back... you fuckers... I'm back...
fuckers... I'm back...
- Linda. You okay? - Yeah, I'm fine, Ted, I'm sorry.
- You don't look fine. - No no, I'm... I'm...
But you won't tell me what's wrong.
You never let me in, Linda.
Oh, I know you're trustworthy... I just...
...don't want to endanger other people with... I mean...
...this is a path that I've chosen, it's not...
...you have to isolate, you know, a firewall.
Well, I don't know what to think.
You both go AWOL on Friday, and today Chad doesn't even bother to come in at all...
- I know, Ted. - I can't run a gym this way.
- I know, Ted. - I'm going to have to fire him.
- No no no, Ted! Just, just... - What?
- Give me twenty-four hours! - To what?
I don't know, just give me twenty-four hours!
- Linda... - Just give me twenty-four hours to solve this thing!
Linda. I have to tell you. A man was in here earlier asking about you.
Are you in some kind of trouble? Is Chad running away from something?
We know what we're doing, Ted. Let me ask you this:
...did he know my name?
Whuh-yes, he was asking about you. Employment history, et cetera. Real jerk.
- I told him to get lost. - Oh, thank you, Ted.
Well, we just don't give that out at Hardbodies.
- Linda, there's a Mr. Krapotkin on line two. - Omygod!
- Mr. Krapotkin? - Linda?
Yes?
Yes, this is Ilan Krapotkin. Russian embassy. Returning your call.
Yes, yes! Hang on. I'm sorry, Ted. This is private.
- Mr. Krapotkin, is this a secure line? - Heh-heh.
Mr. Krapotkin, Is this a secure...
- Are you joking? - No!
No! I-I'm very worried about my associate. You know... my...
Chad...
- Do you have him? - Do we have him?
Is he... I don't know what the term is, did he, "go over"?
Don't understand. Is he not... at Hardbodies?
No...
No, I... look, can I come in and discuss this?
- I'm very busy at the moment. - I'm coming anyway.
- You seem distracted. - Do I?
Very distracted. The last few days.
Work...
You think that might be enough carrots?
- What? - For the salad?
You know: you really are a very negative person.
What?
I've tried. To ignore it. To remain upbeat.
- Harry: stop the foolishness. - Stop the foolishness?
Yes. And behave. You're not speaking to one of your "shithole buddies".
- Hello? - Honey. It's so good to hear your voice.
- Something wrong, Harry? - No.
Yeah. Can you come home? Baby needs you. Can you please come home?
Harry. You know, I can't just leave the book tour.
I can show you your present. It's finished.
Oh, Harry, I can't just leave, there are two days left. There's still Seattle.
Yeah...
- I love you, Harry. - Yeah, I love you too.
Hey! Fucker!
Fucker!
- Fucker! - Who do you work for?!
Who do you work for?!
Who are you?!
Who are you? Who do you work for? CIA? NSC?
- Tuchman Marsh! - What?
- Tuchman Marsh! - Tuchman Marsh? - Yes!
- Your name's Tuchman Marsh? - Tuchman Marsh Hauptman Rodino!
- I work for them. - You work for Tuchman Marsh?
Yes.
- It's a law firm? - No! A rock band! Yes, it's a law firm!
- Why are you following me? - Divorce action, numbnuts!
- My wife hired you?! - No. Your wife hired Tuchman Marsh.
Tuchman Marsh hired me. I work for Tuchman Marsh.
Sandy...
Jesus-grow up, man! It happens to everybody!
"And at midnight of the third day even the sergeant at arms fell asleep.
And it was just then at that very moment that Oliver sneezed!"
Can we just... I'm sorry to interrupt the aftermath... the folks at home see this illustration...
Could we have a shot at that? There... there it is...
It's Oliver interrupting the fillibuster with...
- That's wonderful! - It's wonderful!
The book is "Point of Order, Oliver!"...
...and the talented author is Sandra Pfarrer.
Stay with us for our next segment, when we meet the Sultan of Salad...
...and then it's Part Two of our very special interview with Dermot Mulroney.
So keep it where it is!
That was way out of line, we were so unbelievably clear with them...
- ...it's just an Oliver segment... - It's fine...
- Thank you... - Well, okay, great...
- I thought that would never end. - Mmm, me too.
Let me get this crap off my face.
What the fuck?!
Yes, madam. Can we help you?
What kind of Mickey Mouse embassy are you running anyway?!
I've been waiting for fifty-five minutes!
I am so sorry, madam. An urgent matter.
Maybe this is an urgent matter, since, you know, Chad has been missing for forty-eight hours...
I don't know the whereabouts of Mr. Chad, madam.
He was gathering information for you when he was taken.
We're not interested in such "information". It was drivel.
Dribble!
- Would you like your disk back? - Dribble!
I will give you dribble! You listen to me, Mr. Krapotkin! I am...
...a U.S. citizen and I will not take this kind of treatment!
My check was returned for insufficient funds
No, no, no ma'am, no, there are over forty thousand dollars in that account.
The account is not overdrawn.
When?
But how could she have access?
What about our savings... What about my savings account?
No! No, I'm sorry! I don't know the number to my savings account!
Because, believe it or not, I don't spend my entire day...
...sitting around trying to memorize the fucking numbers to my fucking bank account! Moron!
No way.
No-o-o-o-o-o way. No way. Whoa. No way, Linda...
I can't do it, Ted, I don't know anything about computers.
Linda, the whole thing is crazy. It was crazy the first time, and you want to do it again?
Break into the man's house?
You said the Russians didn't even want this stuff!
My world is bigger than that, Ted. There are other people. There are the Chinese.
- Linda, these surgeries... - Don't talk about the surgeries, Ted.
We can use it as leverage! To get Chad back!
- What do you mean "get him back"! - Information is power, Ted! Hel-lo!
What do you mean "get him back"! You don't know where he is!
Somebody has him, Ted. And we can...
You call the police if you wanna get back missing people! You...
I can't take it! I can't take it! I can't do that!
We're operating off the map here, Ted!
This is higher than the police, and it's higher than them!
- Linda... - I need a can-do person, Ted!
I hate your negativity! I hate all your reasons why not! I hate you! I hate you!
What'll it be.
Seven & Seven.
Hello?
It's Harry.
You think a marriage is... and then it's...
But this has all been a long time coming.
Was it?
Well, about yeah... right...
I'm just depressed.
I gotta exercise. I haven't run in three days... butt-crunches...
Anything...
- Do you think maybe I could stay here for a little while? - Omygod. No, no, no, no, no...
It can't always come from me! I'm not that strong!
You're not here for me, Harry.
I need a can-do person! You're all... defeated!
Chad is the only can-do person I know and now he's gone, he's gone.
I'll be good. I'll be better. I just gotta exercise.
If you have a pedestrian path or something. Who the fuck is Chad?
He's a friend from work. You can help me find him.
You know law enforcement people... So you can make a call, unofficially?
Hold on, what happened, what's his name?
Chad Feldheimer, And he just disappeared.
- He hasn't been at work or at home for two days. - Okay.
- You know his social security number? - Huh? NO! I... - Okay.
- Where was the last place you saw him? - No, I don't know! He just disappeared!
The Jamba Juice on K Street. And now he's gone.
Okay. We'll gonna find your little buddy. Piece of cake.
- Piece of cake. - Okay. - Very easy.
Open your mouth! Open it! Do as the doctor says! Come on!
Open your mouth! Come on! Open your mouth!
Now look here young man. You do as I say.
Or I'm gonna ask your mother to leave the doctor's room...
...and you and I are gonna sort it out between us.
Hello?
I'm with a patient.
And it's the same fucking patient she's been with since yesterday?
You tell Dr. Cox I have the new keys!
Hey there, sunshine.
You seem better.
Yeah, I snuck in a little gym time this morning.
And our exercise last night didn't hurt!
Harry!
Boy, I tell ya, I am through banging my head against the wall...
...I am gonna start doing what's right for me.
I believe that also. I think you have to do what's right for you...
Yeah! Hell yeah! You know I had a shock recently, and I realized that, life is not infinite.
And that no one's immortal.
I think that it's very important to maintain a positive attitude.
Always up. Always ebullient.
Don't sweat the small stuff...
And it's all small stuff.
Just for starters...
- This is where we first met. Remember? - Of course I do.
It's hard to know what the important days are, until ya...
I told myself I that I wasn't be going paranoid...
...but... is that guy looking at us?
No. Uh-huh.
Have you found out anything about Chad?
Nothing yet, I've made a couple calls. It shouldn't take too long.
Really?
Oh yeah, there are so many data bases now it's a joke...
Back when I was in PP there was still an art to finding people.
But not any more. And now with the cel phones?
Pretty soon everybody's gonna know where you are. At any given moment.
Any given moment.
When you left Jamba Juice did Chad give you any idea where he might be going?
- Oh, I know where he was going. - You do?
Georgetown, Olive Street.
160 Olive Street. It's the residence of this guy Osbourne Cox.
Who are you?
What?
Who are you? CIA? NSA?
You're military? Who do you work for?
Who do you work for?!
Who are you?!
I'm just... Linda Litzke.
Harry!
Oh for Pete's sake.
And you are... my wife's lover.
- No. - Then what are you doing here.
I know you. You're the guy from the gym.
I'm not here representing Hardbodies.
I know very well what you represent.
You represent the idiocy of today.
- I don't represent that, either. - Oh yeah.
You're the guy at the gym when I ask about that moronic woman.
- She's not a moron. - You're in league with that moronic woman.
- You're part of a league of morons. - No, no...
Oh yes. You see, you're one of the morons I've been fighting my whole life.
My whole fucking life. But guess what.
Today I win.
Intruder! Stop!
Intruder!
Stop!
Wait. Wait a minute.
Where's the treasury guy? Pfarrer?
- Right now? - Right now.
- He's in a detention room at Washington Dallas. - Why?
He was trying to board a flight to Venezuela.
We had his name on a hotlist, CBP pulled him.
Don't know why he was trying to go to Venezuela.
- You don't know? - No, sir.
- We have no extradition with Venezuela. - Oh...
So what should we do with him?
For fuck's sake, put him on the next flight to Venezuela!
Yes sir. Okay.
- Okay. So the gym manager is dead. - Yes, sir.
- The body is... - That's gone, sir.
Okay.
- But... there was a, uh... snag... - What?
Well. This analyst, Cox, was attacking the gym guy.
It was in broad daylight, on the street. Our man...
...did not know what to do. Felt he had to step in.
Yes?
He, uh... He shot the analyst. He shot Cox.
- Good! Great! Is he dead? - No sir. He's in a coma.
They don't think he's gonna make it, they're pretty sure that he has no brain function.
Okay. Okay. If he wakes up we'll worry about it then.
Jesus, what a clusterfuck. So that's it then.
No one else really knows anything. Okay.
- Um. Well sir, there is... - What?
- Um. - What?
There is the woman. The gym woman. Linda Litzke.
Oh fuck. Yeah. Where is she.
We picked her up. We have her.
We have her?! To do what with?
She, she, she says she'll play ball if we pay for some...
I know this sounds odd...
...some surgeries that she wants.
Cosmetic surgery. She says she'll sit on everything.
How much?
There were several procedures. All together...
- Pay it. - Yes sir. Okay.
Yeah.
- Jesus fucking Christ. - Yeah.
- What did we learn, Palmer. - I don't know, sir.
I don't fucking know either.
- I guess we learned not to do it again. - Yes, sir.
- I'm fucked if I know what we did. - Yes, sir, it's...
Hard to say.
Jesus fucking Christ.
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